Documenting My Book Writing Journey, Book 10

Okay, so I need your help this time. 

I'm working on three different projects, and I love all of them. One of them you know about (The Order) but the other two I've kept pretty close to the chest. 

The reason? I'm scared. Like paralyzed-can't-eat-or-sleep scared. So I need you to tell me what to work on - because this next step in the writing process is going to be one of the hardest things I'll ever do. 

Read the descriptions below and tell me which one you think I should move forward on with my publishing journey. 

Project One: The Order (of the Occasionally Occult or Arcane)

I never took this one seriously, because it was just something to do while I figured out what I wanted to do. I needed a creative outlet, and here it was. It already has a small readership, which means it's marketable. I love it, which means it's write-able. 

Pros of Publishing: The first draft is already mostly-done. Does it need a lot of work? Yes. The plot holes are outrageous, and though the potential for magic/worldbuilding is there, it needs a lot more love and attention. Polishing this one up into something I could call "finished" will take a lot of manhandling and focus. Can I do it? Yes - but I need to have a clear path in front of me before I can consider it for a serious amount of work. 

Cons of Publishing: Because it's on the blog, it's 99% disqualified from any form of traditional publishing, unless I want to make it unrecognizable through massive edits. (Always an option, but who's checking?). There are two huge obstacles with this guy:

1. It's a time-travel-magic-mess
2. It's not in a publishable format: it's 300,000+ words and doesn't follow a narrative arc that fits well in books. I wrote it like a TV show (on purpose), so it reads like a TV show. Not really a book. I'd have to really reconsider the narrative arc to make it something I'd want to show to people outside of this blog. 

The Order is a perfect candidate for Indie Publishing - I'm just not sure that's the route I want to take yet. 

Project Two: The Secret Project

It's called the secret project because I've been telling you about it without telling you about it. This is the one I started in January, and the one I've been writing about this whole time. I love it, but I'm not in love with it yet. As a writer, I know I need to give it some air - it's at that fine-wine point in the process where I need it to age a little before I start working on it in any serious fashion. 

Pros of Publishing: At this point, I'm not super attached to any one aspect yet, so I'm comfortable changing it based on editorial feedback. This one is the easiest for me to send to editors/agents because I'm the least likely to take it personally if they tell me that it stinks. I'm pretty flexible with feedback, too, so I take an experimental approach with things like this. If I have to throw it out and start over, I don't mind. Every writer has a project that just isn't their best. This one might be that project for me. 

Cons of Publishing: While this is the most likely candidate for traditional publishing, it also needs the most work. It's the least-cooked and isn't my favorite piece at the moment. Does it have that potential? Absolutely. Do I want to put in the effort right now? I'm not sure. That's why I need your honest opinion about this. 

When I tell you about project #3, I think you'll understand why I'm torn, why I'm scared, and why I need your help. 

Project Three: My Soul Project

Every writer has a project that when they started it, it was the one that finally made them say, I am a writer. 

This one is mine.

I'll be completely honest, this is the one I'm afraid to publish. My biggest fear is not that it won't be published - I know it will be. I know it's "good enough", no matter the route it takes. No - my greatest fear is that I'll write it, publish it, and no one will read it. 

My biggest fear is that it will sit on a shelf, collect dust, and cease to exist for everyone in the world but me. 

That's so, so, so stupid. 

It also calls into question my motives as a writer - why do I write anything? Is it for myself? Is it for the vain praise of other people? Just the act of asking these questions makes me a little sick. 

There is something to be said for loving something and wanting to share that love with the world. It would be a bold-faced lie to not say that I hope, when it is out there, that it has a cult following someday. Fanart. Movies. The works. The potential disappointment here is scary enough that it has stalled my honest attempts to get it out there for years. 

Let me tell you a little bit about it: 

I started this story in 2005 in the back of my mother's mini-van. It was stupid. It was about my imaginary friend. But over 20+ something years, it became something else. 

And then I gave up on it. 

Well, I didn't mean to give up on it. But I got burned out. I went to college. I got depressed. I nearly died (twice!) from chronic illness. Life got busy. Money problems happened. I got a job in finance. I lost my job in finance (because of illness and a crazy boss). Three people in my family died. Friends left. Hubby and I couldn't live in my apartment anymore because of black mold and had to move in with my parents (talk about humbling). When I say shit hit the fan, that's an understatement. 

Of the century. 

Add on top of that global crises, a pandemic, economic failures, and the sudden diagnosis of AuDHD that caused both immense freedom and incredible grief. I went from a confident writer to someone who questioned everything about life, the world, happiness and myself. 

Suddenly, writing didn't feel very important anymore. 

And if you're reading this and thinking, woah, Rachel, that's TMI, I need you to know that it's not. 

This story is deeply rooted in that six-year period of my life. It's also deeply rooted in grief and a REALLY tangled up mess of not knowing who I am and wondering if my entire concept of identity is false. I'd love to tell you that I'm on the flip-side now, and things are better, and I've got it all figured out. 

That would be a lie. 

Some things are better. Some things are figured out. But I've come to realize that I won't get everything figured out until THIS gets figured out - and that's why I'm doing this really brave and scary thing by asking for help. 

Your help, specifically. 

"Publishing my soul-project" is not so simple as publishing, traditional or no. It requires opening up that wound and extracting the blade that made it. 

It requires going back to the start and rebuilding it, piece by piece.

It requires realizing that I'm not the person who started it, but also the person I'm becoming is okay, too. 

I wasn't even going to consider it for publishing. I was going to keep it as a "just for me" project and focus on something else. 

Then one of my friends started reading it, and I realized that I can't be an honest writing coach and NOT do the thing I always encourage my students to do: face my fear. 

Why am I telling you this? Because I need you to know the reason #3 is back on the table: 

Because I can feel it pulling at me, and I'm not feeling brave enough to follow it. 

That's the honest truth. 

I'm feeling like a little chicken right now, and I need a little bit of help. 

So, which one do you think I should follow? While I wait for your answer, I'll tell you something else.

Things aren't all figured out, and that's okay

The other day I went out to a thrift store with my friend. We were looking for margarita glasses. I haven't had a good margarita in around 2 years - not since we had to abandon ship in my mold-infested apartment and move 2 hours away from the only Mexican restaurant that I like. 

I needed margarita glasses, because, like a lot of things, we gave away ours when we moved. 

I found ones that I liked. While I was inspecting them in the sunlight, a thought crossed my mind that really blew me away: 

This is my life. This is MY life. 

And it's not a perfect one - there are plenty of things I wish were different about my life right now. But it is WAAAAAAY different from the one I left behind. 

Things are a little slower. More peaceful. There is stress, yes - running a business like this is hard. But I get to wake up every day, write stories, and pour love and encouragement into other people. 

THAT IS MY JOB NOW. 

And for a while, it was really impossible. 

I set my focus on doing the things I wanted to do. Every day, I did something small - I took one tiny step every single day for two years. 

It all sort of crashed on me then, staring at my reflection on a margarita glass, that I realized how far I'd come. 

I want you to know that every small step you take matters. 

Whether you're like me and you're fighting for your life, or if you're just trying to survive your classes until you can publish your book, the biggest changes in your life just take time. 

I'm beyond grateful that I get to write this blog and teach my students. Even as I'm writing about fear and pressing towards bigger and better things, I do know firsthand the power of small steps. Whatever thing I end up publishing, it will happen one tiny step at a time. 

Take that as encouragement, and real, living proof that you can do this too. 

Thank you for being here, my friend. I can't wait to hear from you. 

xo Rachel

Your Writing Coach